I don’t remember a time when I didn’t feel like I do now. I’ve always felt the need to create… something. I was always the one in the group who could make the poster, or draw the symbol, or make the t-shirt. Growing up as the son of a graphic designer sure helped, and it’s through this lineage that I first discovered the real value of graphic design.
It’d be easy enough to say that having a father who made a living as a graphic designer instilled in me the true commercial value of design. But the reality is that it didn’t really click. By all accounts my mother was the breadwinner of the family and while I gravitated unequivocally to what my dad was doing, I can’t say that I really understood how that spark of creativity generated compensation. I guess there was always that other “business” part that I just didn’t really understand.
That is, until the time I was around 12 years old or so and I logged my very first paid freelance design gig.
I always tinkered. I would play around with my dad’s Adobe Photoshop and Illustrator software the same as I would play Legend of Zelda on NES. I remember I was once “caught” trying to make myself a driver’s license. Not to try and do anything illegal, but just because I realized I could. (“Please don’t do that” was how I was calmly scolded. Not until later did I realize why that was likely a baffling parental moment for a graphic designer dad.)
Way back when the latest feature update to Illustrator was radial gradients I started to tinker with making an orb. Just a simple circle shape with a radial gradient with just the right level of highlight and shadow, creating a smooth, blue, 3D orb out of 2D space on a beige Apple Quadra tower computer. A proud dad must’ve brought it into work to share and a designer that worked with him saw it and inquired. Apparently the orb would be a good option to present a client as a potential logo mark. Dad asked if I’d like to “sell” the design to be used for a cool $100. And thus, my first paying gig.
My older brother, furious that I received a check for $100 (well more than even months of allowance combined), filed a grievance on grounds if it being absolutely unfair. That moment informed us both that we could create something of value and turn it into income.
Since then I haven’t stopped trying to recreate that moment. It’s taken many different forms and taken me to many different places in my career. A few times (now being one of them, as a matter of fact) I’ve found myself chasing the orb. The constant search for that pure transaction. Unadulterated creative exploration and an output that is identified as valuable. Trading creativity for money.
Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, right? I love what I do, don’t get me wrong. But there’s a purity that I’ve lost over the years that I’m constantly trying to recapture. In the worst of times I fear that I lost the clarity of my dream years (decades?) ago. In the best of times, I feel the wave and try and catch it. The constant is the desire to just work on designs that I love and be compensated for it. Just enough to live my life as I like it. Nothing more, nothing less. That’s not a small ask, I know. And the more you gather the more you desire. The curse of capitalism, I suppose. I’m still fighting the good fight. Hopefully it’s never too late to recapture that purity.